The Truth About Edward Cullen's "Virginity"
A lot of people have asked the question: "Is Edward Cullen from the Twilight saga a virgin?". Most of them find what they think is the right answer and then forget about the whole thing. In fact, only a tiny few have ever discovered the real truth. There are in fact three answers to this question, two of which are pretty well known and easily distract you from looking at what lies beneath. But there is also a third. You’ve never heard anything about it because everyone else to stumble upon it was too disturbed by it to say anything. I am here to tell you the ugly truth. First things first, here is a breakdown of the first two answers: In the final Twilight book (Breaking Dawn), he does finally have sex with Bella Swan after they’re married, his vows of purity and religion remaining intact. But really, anybody can tell you that.
On the other hand, if you’re talking about the first three books/movies, he is in fact a virgin. And not just a virgin, but a 107-year-old virgin! He may be “stuck in a 17-year-old body”, but really this is just an excuse to cover up the fact that he hasn't had sex in over a century. It doesn’t even matter that he finally gets laid in Breaking Dawn because he was a virgin for 107 years! Have you ever seen a 107-year-old man? Here’s a picture to give you an idea of what it’s like to cling to your virginity for more than a century:
Or is there another reason why he’s been a “virgin” for so long?
It’s not believable that anyone, no matter how dedicated to ideals of purity, could keep it in their pants for over a hundred years, so there must be an alternative. Now you may say: “But there are tons of people who stay virgins their entire lives! Just look at Catholic priests.” Well, we all know what Catholic priests do to their altar boys during their “virgin years”, and it ain’t pretty. The truth about Edward Cullen ain’t so pretty either. Hate to break it to you girls, but Edward is gayer than cowboy home videos. You’ve probably thought maybe he was gay just by his metrosexual style of dress and his shiny skin and conditioned hair. But think now about what he’s been doing with his penis for the last century. And now think about those long lusty looks between him and Jacob Black. There’s a reason for those looks, and it isn’t because vampires and werewolves are sworn enemies. You can see in their eyes the intense man-love going on between these two powerfully gay entities. If you’ve any doubts about this, I present the following corroborating evidence:
This raises further questions though. Does this mean Edward is bisexual? Or just that he’s using Bella as a cover for his own homosexuality? Vampires aren’t exactly the most tolerant sort of creature, so he’d have to hide that sort of thing pretty well, and what better way than to stage a love affair with a gullible girl? It’s pretty obvious from his flowing poetic words of love to her that he’s not being serious. No one talks like that, not even if they’re trying to attract a girl. He’s just quoting some poetry he saw on his gay partner’s blog. Another question you might ask: When Edward is with Jacob, is he the top or the bottom? When you look at this final picture, I’m sure that you’ll agree with me that he is, in fact, the bottom.
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